Thursday, June 25, 2009

Fuck Cancer

Ugh ugh ugh. This past week has just been insane. To make a long story short, my mom ended up in the hospital on Sunday and in just the past few days we've found out that she has stage four cancer. It's in her lungs, neck, bones, liver, lymphnodes, and scalp right now, and it's spreading pretty rapidly. It's just insane; it's all been such a blur. Just about a month ago she started having back pain, and then a cough developed, and it's all been downhill since then. She's always such a strong, healthy, active woman so it's just so hard to see her like this. It came out of nowhere. They are still uncertian as to where the cancer started, though they are thinking the lungs. It's important to know that to figure that out so they can figure out which chemotherapy and radiation treatments are best for her. Plus, the abnormality on her neck is in such a bad place (between the C1 and C2 vertebrea, which is right around where your skull meets your spine) that she is currently in a brace because she could possibly become paralyzed. It's just all terrifying. Today, the oncologist referred to it as being "incurable but treatable." The treatable part is good, and that's what we're trying to focus on, but the whole, "incurable" part hit us like brick. We just can't accept that. I have talked to one of my mom's friend who has cancer and has apparantly been considered "incurable" for 29 years, so that's a bit reassuring, but still. It's just never something you can be ready to hear.

I am emotionally drained.

I've been trying to stay strong in front of her, and she's been SO amazingly positive it's not even funny. It makes me sad to think of when she's alone in the hospital at night. It's got to be terrifying. Being a mother now, I understand how much she's trying to stay strong for us, just as much as we're trying to stay strong for her and I'm trying to stay strong for Audrey. Falling apart is just not an option. I can be upset. I can cry. But I just cannot let everything fall apart.

We have just been inundated with phone calls from concerned friends and family. A lot of people had no idea. Heck WE had no idea until just about 2 days ago. We're so lucky to have everyone's love and support, but I do feel like I've constantly been on the phone explaining everything over and over. It's so painful to rehash again and again. I know that people mean well, and I want everyone to know what's going on. There's a nice website that I may use to keep everyone updated. Hopefully that'll cut down on some of the repetitiveness.

Needless to say, with more important things occupying every inch of my brain, this blog may slow down. However, it is very nice for venting, that's for sure.

I love you, mom. Fight like hell.


  1. i'm so sorry jen. if there is anything you need- anything at all, please let me know. i'll keep your mom and family in my prayers. just keep your head up and hope for the best.

  2. Jen, I will continue to keep your mom and the rest of your family in my prayers. I second Caitlin's offer. If you need anything, seriously anything at all, don't hesitate to ask. We are here for you. You are one of the strongest people I know, and I know your mom is very lucky to have you there for her. Stay strong and be positive.

  3. Thank you guys!!

    I really really really appreciate it.

  4. Jen, I'm so sorry. I'm always thinking of you, anything I can do too, just say the words. Try to stay positive and strong, but know that sometimes it's okay to be overwhelmed. We're all here for you if you need to talk/shoulders to cry on/babysitters etc. Love you and miss you and I hope things look up soon.